Why Does Bethenny Frankel Have A Talk Show? Is There Anyone Left Who Actually Wants to Talk to Her? (Not That She’d Let Them!)


As Bethenny Ever After continues to fill the gaping void left by Sex & the City (please do not let there be another movie) for young American women to watch old, inappropriately dressed women drink a lot , act “sexy” (?- no straight men like either show), and make the most of the pun filled word banks of the 1990s, Beffs takes it a step further with last night’s episode when she cries at the plant where they actually make (no, Bethenny, production wasn’t slow because everyone was just “sitting around not wanting to make money” as you had assumed…. Not everyone’s idea of “work” includes putting on a pair of tight jeans, hooker boots, and eight different short leather jackets and hoofing it down to South Street Seaport to hawk Pepperidge Farm sandwiches…. To you, we get it, it’s either get dressed up and shove products at people, or hang out in your sweat pants… there is no actual “working”) Skinnygirl  margaritas in all of their frothy glass glory (has anyone actually tried this trash? I would but then I would have to buy it and I don’t like my dollars to vote for Bethster.  I am guessing it is disgusting and the poor fools who just bought that brand are going to have to revamp the recipe (i.e. tequila, a lime, and 2 packets of stevia)). This was an episode of contradictions (self-pity and self-aggrandizement; all my life I’ve wanted a snow globe(?)) and of course, more husband belittling, money-grubbing, fame-whoring and thigh high boots with 6 inch heels! Who else wants a Pom-opolitan!!!??? Boo-Ya! Let’s watch as the Susan B. Anthony of liquor forges a path through a harsh man’s world.

Cue, Bravo’s new funky bass lines which I am totally loving both here and with the other un-spun housewives.- Bethenny makes a stupid “joke” about how “they don’t call it a life spiral” (I bet Darren Star watches this show and when he heard that line – he leaned back in an oversized high-backed armchair upholstered in endangered species and “L.O.L.”ed at that one!)  She then says that her real skater partner must smoke pot because he is “calm” and tells her to “just do things.”  Poor broken down “underdog” Bethenny  then takes a few more cheap shots at a small town (who the hell does she think watches day time talk shows?) saying that the entire town, with eyes glazed over by the celebrity that is Bethenny Frankel in their midst, is pulling for them “more than cotton candy and hairspray.”

Next is the part of the show where Bethenny emasculates her already effeminate husband.  She calls him cheap and tells him he needs to get rid of his Billy Bob Jimbob Red Racoon Jeans.  If I were her, I would congratulate myself just now for coming up with a new product to market to “redneck people somewhere” and then throw myself a party for coming up with that “business plan.”

She talks to the Scoop boy, about how neurotic and cheap her husband is.  She discusses how he has no style and he’s cheap and he can’t dress himself, and this is like back-to-school shopping all to Scoop boy and a camera crew as if her husband is not there.  She then hits him with a “Why are you so cheap? You’re like your father!” Insulting to both her husband AND his fatherJ We are then treated to a shot of her ass crack while she jumps on Mr. Hoppy because he bought himself a $245 pair of jeans and says gleefully “now the paparazzi will get to see you in your new jeans- not your eighties jeans”… AND we now understand what this trip was all about.

We are next swept back to the Hoppy Compound in “Tribeca.”  Bethenny, knowing that she hates all human beings but must interact with them if she wants to continue being on TV and in magazines, announces that the writers for Bethenny Ever After, which include herself, have decided that they will be hosting a Thanksgiving dinner at their apartment and that she will “make her famous stuffing”- even her stuffing is famous!  Immediately she begins to fake obsess about where ALL OF THESE PEOPLE (I don’t know who she is talking about- Gina and Julie will sit under the table like they usually do, and Jason’s parents would sit on the curb if you let them see their granddaughter) are going to sit!!??? Jason suggests… a folding table… It is as if HE were the one “raised by a pack of wolves.”  She snipes “Why do you always go straight to Hazleton. That’s tacky.”  Again, small towns, and folding tables don’t fly on private jets, have 12 different colored Birkin bags, or costume, hair and make-up people living in their walk-in closets… they are just “simple” (and happy).

Moving her baby proof giant glass table becomes another ground for her to belittle Jason.  He suggests a way to move the big thing and her response is, quote: “I don’t like it I don’t like it I don’t like it.”  Jason laughs when she suggests she is an Olympic skater, and not a brittle anorexic geriatric trying to move a table top that easily weighs three times as much as she does, and she says “Jason I’m not laughing ! It’s a freakin piece of glass! Shut your face- quiet down.”  Wow. “Shut your face?” Then she tells the cameras “He wants me to be cool when we’re talking about glass- that’s not a time to be cool.” If glass talk is not a time to be cool, I am going to need some real help figuring out exactly when is a time to be “cool.”

Next it is “morning time” and to prove she’s too busy she shows us her cleaned make-up brushes and tries on a jacket and a pair of jeans.  Whoa- slow down! You’re doing TOO MUCH! -Everything is too big so she has nothing to wear, her husband helpfully suggests “eat more.”  She then creepily talks to Bryn in her self-centered way saying there is “No possible way that another human being could be as crazy as me.”

Julie tells Bethster that her mom is at it again “in the press.”  I love how she’s always talking about “the press” as if the WSJ and the NY Times are camped outside her compound.   Bethenny says in her “I’ll show ‘em all, even you Martha Stewart, that I am as awesome as I think I am” voice “Little did my mother ever think that I would become so successful…She’s always desperate and she’s always broke.”  And then she tells us (and her) that she will never (give her any money) speak to her ever again.  Why? Because she suggested Bethenny was doing Skating With the Stars because she is a fame-whore and because she provided “the press” with childhood pictures?

That last part is the funniest because up next was “bathies”… her favorite time of the day… another chance to wear underpants in the bathtub.  Remember, she just told us that her mother gave “the press” her “childhood photos”- she said “you don’t sell your own kid out like that” and that she will never talk to her again because of it.  Next scene we have BF and Creepy Hoppy spending an absurd amount of time in their underwear with their naked baby on television washing “her woo woo and her hinny.” Bethenny then describes the feeling she gets when she realizes her baby “needs” her the same way the Grinch described his realizations about Christmas-followed by more fake, possibly menopausal tears

Finally, as the promo had promised we get to be a fly on the private plane wall of a 1990s style discussion of “the mile high club.”  She is breathless at the sight of her Skinnygirl logo stickered to the side of the plane… like more than when she had her c-section/lipo… Cue the lovable oaf husband!

“Hunkleee dee!!! This was the coolest thing ever!!! To go on a dersky doo da private jet! I am so down-home loveable and I off-set her high octane bitchiness with my folding table, PA ways- to go on a privateee jetso is just bonkers!”  The worldly sophisticate explains to Jason why the PP is sooo much better- “fatheads will put a sticker of your company on the door of the bathroom and you don’t have to go through security- but I’m super casual about the whole thing because for me… it ain’t no big thang.”

Just when I think she can’t get worse she says, and this is an actual quote , “Jason wore his private plane outfit. Something everyone has in their repertoire… NOT!” I need them both to get in a time machine to return from the early nineties immediately… except that then they would really be here with the rest of us.

Then we here the executives get down to business about their liquor empire … in Canada.  “We have to figure this thing out or else we’ll never be on a private plane again”- It’s like they are on their way to cure cancer and end world hunger… the stakes are just that high.   “I need to judge it accurately and know exactly what I’m selling”- a whole lot of “I”s going on in this speech.  If anyone can solve the problems on a production line like an engineer or a physicist – it’s Bethenny F’ing Frankel.

Then there’s a whole “schtick” about how Jason is a new-comer to “money” so he’s just plain old “silly!”  She calls him a “money monster” because he wanted a salad, and he was impressed by the red carpet at the airport.. I laughed when the cameras panned out and it was a red door mat.  PS- whatever happened to her “skinny girl’s night out” talking tour of Schenectady and Hoboken!!??? I wanted tickets to that and I would have totally been at the Rochester airport Beatles style if that PP showed up on the tarmac.

The Hoppies set out to enjoy the sights of Montreal, because they need a break from… watching their baby? Gina does that. Working? Julie does that. From what exactly? I’m not sure.  But they go look at ridiculous snow globes, and Bethenny says something like “I had a bad childhood- buy me a snow globe!” To which Jason responds, “At 40 years old you want to start collecting snow globes”- that idea to Hoppy sounds crazy, but starting to collect CHILDREN at 40 years old makes a whole lotta sense.

This is something that makes no sense: Jason, “I really can’t forget that Bethenny’s childhood wasn’t so great (can any of us?? HOW MANY WAYS CAN SHE SAY THIS?) so if doing this (allowing my wife to spend the money she earns on a piece of junk she WILL throw away in one of her purges) puts a smile on her face (did it? Has she ever actually smiled.. apart from seeing the private jet) then it’s the least I could do (that part might be true. It is hard to imagine him doing less).”

These young 40 somethings again, sucking down the booze like their glasses are gas masks, they have the same conversation about whether they are happier to be married and not single.

Finally, after shopping and drinks, and sleeping in, they decide to check in on their baby. Gina answers the phone and Bethenny screams into her phone in one hand and blackberry in the other, “can we tawk ta ha?” An adult discussion about farting ensues… counting how often and when they fart.   Then in a dramatic and scripted moment she weakly throws her blackberry across the room and says “I’m so over work! I’m so over worked.”  Imagine b-town if you had an actual job!??? What would you do????

I refuse to even discuss the lame Lavern and Shirley at the bottling plant segment- SO LESS THAN FUNNY and NOT CUTE.  That was supposed to be her and Jill! Hahahahaha I wonder what the Zarin camp thought of this stolen segment!

She mentions to the man attempting to provide her with facts about production delays that she JUST INVENTED A NEW DRINK – the Mohitorita.  I think she invents a new drink every night because it is the only source of her calories- and she’s an “inventor.”

You can tell that at the executive producer meetings, Bethster must have laid down the law about ending each episode “on a place of yes.”  It needs to show “America” (whatever part of it watches this garbage) a caring, loving, and grateful Bethenny, who is “thankful” for “getting everything she wants.”  Hoppy says something about how seeing all of that liquor is why he is glad this anorexic shell of a human being is his baby’s mother and we are treated to the sneak peak at next week… Skating With the Idea of Moving to LA so We Have Something To Film Next Season With The Cast of Flipping Out!!!!


2 Responses to “Why Does Bethenny Frankel Have A Talk Show? Is There Anyone Left Who Actually Wants to Talk to Her? (Not That She’d Let Them!)”

  1. 1 Jen

    Bethenny is the worst!!! I’m glad someone else sees through her. Why does everyone like her so much? She constantly makes “jokes” to make herself feel superior to other people. I wish she’d just be honest and say “all i want out of life, desperately is to be famous, beautiful and rich” but instead she spent the first 3 seasons of housewives endearing, I guess, herself to America by pretending to be above all those things and claiming to be some kind of underdog.

  2. 2 ohidano

    you’ve taken the words out of my perpetually agape mouth. thanks for coming correct on these Bravo reality abortions.

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