We begin this episode with a question I really hate to ask: “Why am I starting to like Slade?” I think the answer for why I am finding his desperate-to-be-on-tv-not-get-a-real-job persona less deplorable is because he is always filmed with an even more awful person, namely, Gretchen (it’s that Bethenny/ Jill Zarin phenomenon… maybe Slade will soon be launching his own brand of Srcubs Sangria/ find a gay boyfriend/ buy the cottage of his dreams in Beverly Hills!). We learn in this first scene that funemployed Slade has taken up painting. Again, why am I liking this more honest/artistic Slade? It has to be because his ingrate of a fake girlfriend is absolutely up for Witch of the OC this year. Gretchen first belittles his new hobby, tells him maybe he could “sell his paintings” to make some money (I wonder how her clothing auction and Gretchen Christine are not rolling in the cash). I don’t know much about art, but I know the going rate for an original Slade Smiley is two thousand laughs. I would pay that much to hang one of those in my living-room… probably more like $200, because amortized over the rest of my life – that is a lot of joy for very little cash. Gretchen tells us a few lies in the car about how she doesn’t like surprises (who remembers the motorcycle or fake engagement ring upgrade from Jeff? She was PISSED.) and that she really likes the dress she was wearing from Forever 21.
Next, we have a heartwarming fake reconciliation between Vicki and Alexis where they both leave angrier than when they started talkingJ Alexis shows up at Vicki’s big-girl house and they have a conversation that only makes sense if you understand (which I don’t) the way Bravo pays these hyenas and decides who gets air time to push products (again… in the dark). Alexis is talking about being “thrown under [the proverbial Bravo] bus” and Vicki claims she has some kind of personality disorder where she hates new people she meets. Since neither of those things make sense, and the clip we see is of Vicki last year saying they didn’t “need” Alexis, I can only assume Vicki must have been waging the familiar passive aggressive war against filming with or about Alexis claiming she is boring and only kind of fun to look at for a little while and Vicki felt threatened that her super-stardom and bestseller “More Than A Housewife” were going to fizzle out next to the supernova that is Alexis Bellino. Alexis in the meantime was fighting to “restructure” her mortgage and start up a dress line while Jim’s ping-pong table business fizzled out “in this economy.” In order to stay on the show and get any screen time she needed to fight back and so they both kind of said that and then Vicki called her a Barbie and told the cameras that Alexis’s dress line was a joke because the only business on this show that is not a joke is Coto Insurance… just ask any 18 year old looking for a summer job in Coto de Caza. Alexis gives us some impressive insight into the inspiration behind Alexis Couture”— she woke up one morning wondering what Jesus would wear.. and apparently it would be a short, tight, see-through, one-shouldered, bedazzled sequin number!
Follow me now to a place where art is born, and no I am not talking about the soon-to-be-canceled-art-gallery-from-the-real-housewives-of-miami… I am talking about Daniel Maltzman’s studio where the young(?) Slade Smiley is studying. I actually thought this birthday was a nice surprise from Gretchen’s almost homeless-not-starving-artist boyfriend. She thought it was “random.” Again, not really the right word, Gretchy. What you meant was SUPER HUGE DISAPPOINTING!!!! In that not-a-fifteen-carat-diamond kind of wayJ Slade got them a lunch (notice poor Slade had to get them both salads), an art lesson, and then had his friend/mentor do a way too flattering portrait of Jonbeny Sr. I wanted the guy who did Sonja’s aging portrait to come do Gretchen’s! I like how these women live their lives on a perpetual loop of pointless that gets recycled like trash from city to city- coast to coast… “portraits, fashion lines, businesses”… and the one thing in common is that everything born of this franchise SUCKS (excluding , of course, Gretchen Christine Couture Handbags- those are incredib … I am laughing too hard to type). Continue reading ‘Why I Want An Original Slade Smiley’
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After last week’s fireworks, tonight’s episode slowed things down a bit. I actually like it better when the wives aren’t constantly at each other’s throats. I like it best when they all hang out but say hideously catty things behind their backs but facing the camera. Tonight’s episode featured plenty of that so let’s dive in.
We begin with the Countess and Kelly getting pedicures and talking about Kelly’s non-existent dating life and how Luanne has found love. Not much to talk about here except that Luanne invites Kelly to an event Jacque is throwing and promises that there will be lots of European’s in attendance. Yes America, Luanne thinks she is too good for you.
The next scene involves Alex and Sonja meeting for lunch and a tet e tet as Luanne would say. Sonja tells the hostess that she is wearing her yoga clothes and will therefore keep her coat on and her giant furry hat. The purpose of this scene seems to be Alex demonstrating for all of us that she can let things go and be mature enough to ‘agree to disagree’ in order to maintain a friendship even though Sonja “is not going to admit that her ego got in the way”. All I can say is Sonja’s lucky her ego got in the way of the MENY march instead of Sonja getting in the way of Alex’s camera time and/or relationship with Bravo/NY post etc because had that been the case, there would be no water under the Brooklyn Bridge and Alex would spend every minute of her life passive aggressively hating her; just ask Jill.
Next we catch up with Kelly (again) and the new girl, Cindy. Cindy meets Kelly at some sort of underground eatery and she is flustered. She sits down and starts fanning herself and immediately holds out her hand to show Kelly that she is shaking and “really, really upset”. What happened? Are you all right Cindy? My goodness did you just get hit by a taxicab? Did you get a call from your family concerning the health of a dear relative? Nope. Cindy has “Nanny drama” and according to Kelly, it’s catching like wildfire and taking the nation by storm because “everybody has nanny drama”. Specifically, the Nanny drama stems from Cindy’s nanny being unable or unwilling to sleep over at Cindy’s quaint Greenwich village high rise condominium 5 nights a week and worst of all Cindy’s bitch of a Nanny brought someone else in to help. In all seriousness, there is probably no person more important, in a professional context, than the person you hire to take care of your children and if for any reason, you don’t feel comfortable you should be a woman about it and stand up for what’s best for you and your family and have your brother fire them.
The real gem in this scene of course featured Kelly firing off an email to Ramona to tell her that she wouldn’t be able to go to one of Ramona’s “events” (all these women have ‘events’-not parties, and they attend to “support”-not have fun). I understand because based on what we’ve seen so far, Ramona averages about 18 self-congratulatory events a night and it must be exhausting supporting that. But Kelly is either A) a moron B) the most inarticulate person who ever lived C) terrified of saying the wrong thing because she’s been traumatized and felt attacked by the other ‘ladies’ for everything she’s inarticulately said or done or D) all of the above, so when I say “fires off” the email I’m analogizing it to shooting a musket….from the 18th century that hasn’t been maintained or cleaned since it was last used in the American Revolutionary war.
Next we have Jacque who thanks to IBBB I can never see without thinking Sad Ross, and Luanne’s Wine Connection event. Each of the sad, sorry single NYC house…um wives? Turn up looking to make a wine connection. Ahhhh speed dating. This is the reality show equivalent of the sitcoms “getting locked in something” standard boilerplate old faithful storyline. You know how that scenario happened in every single sitcom but the fun, if any, was watching how this particular cast of characters whooped it up in the locked container while the event or thing they’d really been excited about in the first five minutes of the episode is going on without them? For example, Uncle Jesse, Stephanie and Michelle Tanner locked in a garage during Michelle’s big circus birthday party or Jessie Spano and AC Slater being locked in a boiler room during prom or (Saved by the Bell gave us at least two) Zack and Tori being stuck in an elevator with Becky Belding (Mr. Belding’s pregnant wife of course) while she gives birth! Speed dating is the “locked in” of reality television and it might be a sign that the writers…err editors, are running out of steam. We’ve seen Kardashian’s do it, we’ve seen Hogans do it and now we get to see desperate NYC housewi….um, we get to see Kelly, Sonja and Cindy do it. But the twist, because this is NYC and Luanne is a countess (in case you hadn’t heard) after all, the twist is that it’s speed dating/wine tasting. Apparently Jacque is a liquor distributor so he is emceeing the evening’s festivities. You can dress up this turd anyway you want Jacque; it’s still speed dating and it’s a reality show staple. I predict we will meet at least one overtly creepy/pervy guy, one incredibly boring guy , maybe a couple of weirdos and one sweet, and seemingly sincere guy who is also boring (not rich enough) and never had a chance of going on an actual date with any of these women. Let’s begin! Luanne mentions for the second time this episode that maybe the ladies will be lucky enough to meet some “Europeans” because presumably Luanne only dates Europeans and Jacque’s fine tasting/speed dating extravaganza is chock full of em. Spoiler alert, no one we meet on the speed date is European-however we have the perv, we have sincere sap and we have a Julliard trained actor (pst-it’s a performing arts school Kelly-you can go for acting and not learn to dance or play music. It’s kind of like how you went to Columbia but didn’t learn how to think.) Anyway, Kelly proposes that she and her speed date improv the scenario from the movie “due date” because really, why not? I was left wondering who is this guy, Andy Cohen’s little brother? Why is he getting an audition on national television? Well played Cohen, well played.
Next up is Alex’s birthday party. We know from previous seasons that Simon is a “master of surprise” (among other things I suspect) and this year he does not disappoint…if your idea of delight is a frigid, windy picnic on governors island which side note: yes Cindy, I too am from NY and I agree: Governors Island seems like a pain in the ass to get to. I only go once a year when Prince Harry is in town and he insists that I show up and ‘support’ him while he plays polo. We are in love. What can I say?
Alex’s bestie Ramona doesn’t show but Kelly and Cindy make the trek with babies and children and an army of nannies in tow. When they arrive they find Alex’s friends who basically consist of the rag tap group of gays we’ve seen at various points on this show and….no, that’s pretty much it. It looks miserable. Simon makes the joke that many a broke househusband has before him about how this year he can’t get his wife real diamonds but he has instead a candy diamond. He should’ve pulled a juicy Giudice and busted out the costume jewelry even if he couldn’t swing a room at the Hoboken W.
Finally, this episode featured a tale of redemption I was hoping we’d eventually be privy to. Some designer has asked Ramona to walk the runway in his charity fashion show and after the last crazy eye’d debacle Ramona is ready to prove to the world that she has what it takes to walk in a straight line, pause and turn around and that she can do all of that! without looking like a member of the Manson family out for blood. Guess what? She did better this time and if I were Kate Moss or Naomi Campbell (I’m not but people say I remind them of both….because I drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney) I’d be shaking in my haute contour. They’re getting older and fashion loves a fresh, 50 + face if it loves nothing else.
But wait, there’s another contender to the aging supermodel thrown. Why it’s miss Alex McCord and just like Alexis this Mama needs a paycheck too. So what is a highly educated (Alex went to Northwestern) 38-year-old mother of two to do (IN THIS ECONOMY!!!) Obviously the best way, the only way to put food on the table is to pursue a career as a high fashion model. This idea is going over like the proverbial led balloon. And unfortunately Alex apparently watched The Black Swan shortly before her first photo shoot. This is obvious from her Talking Heads where she walks us through what she was thinking (but really what is she thinking?!) during the shoot and tells us she was moving like a ballet dancer…who admittedly has never studied ballet and picturing herself as the good swan from Swan lake. Meanwhile the photographer is having a hard time giving her direction and keeps telling her not to do anything and everything she did.
In another creepy scene, Kelly, Luanne and Sonja meet Cindy at her high tech, hair removal spa and an awkward discussion about hair removal and their personal preferences’ about the subject ensues. Cindy tells us that she is “completely bare” and that this is what she does for a living so there is nothing awkward about it for her. What’s awkward, Cindy, from by standpoint is that this is a conversation you’ve probably had with your brother.
In the final scene, Ramona is given the “celebrity” version of some businesswoman’s award and makes a speech about how she struggled and strived and made something of herself. I generally think Ramona is offensive and rude but I will say that it is refreshing on this show to see a woman take such pride in actually making her own money and making her own way in the world-and not in the form of an after thought/after bankruptcy ‘dress’ line, or book or song.
The big RHONY news today, of course, was the birth of Simon VanKempen: Recording Artist. A full review of Simon’s first single “I’m Real” off his hotly anticipated non -existent album is coming and will be posted on this site soon.
Next week should be more of the same, and I can’t wait.
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Skating is Hard… So Is NYU
Disclaimer: If you are a “fan” of Bethenny’s, apparently you have as much spare time as I do to troll the internet to talk about your feelings! If you like Bethenny and you find contrary points of view on this subject offensive, stop reading now (or don’t, but it’s fun to make informed choices). I find her “success” (being a cockroach in a nuclear winter—from D-list “actress”, Martha Stewart Apprentice, Bethenny Bakes, to RHONY to the present) irritating and I like to workshop that point of view on this blog. She is mean to everyone else that is trying to climb the ladder of reality television-do-nothing stardom, makes caddy remarks about her former co-stars and calls it “funny” but can’t take it when it gets dished back, encourages women to starve themselves and continues to parade around as a female role model who “gets everything she wants.” She has been persistent in chasing fame and lucky in finding it and that is all… She has no talent or skills and I find her anorexia/wealth-obsessed/fame-whoring life as it is being packaged and sold to young women deplorable. The week’s episode begins….
“Hey Doc, looks like we both went to NYU, let me do a kitschy flashback episode replete with time markers for the countdown to this week’s NERVOUS BREAKDOWN ABOUT NOT BEING PERFECT” (hasn’t that been every episode of this show?) Dr. Amador is actually a well respected clinical psychologist whose work with the schizophrenic population has been groundbreaking. His work, stemming from his close relationship with his brother who suffers from the disease, is only partially devoted to whiny, over-privileged brats complaining about how stressful it can be to have brand new sub-zero, Viking appliances break down on you when you invite people over for Thanksgiving, when you’re a NY Times best-selling author, a skater AND a star, and “oh, did I mention I’m a chef?” Also just to be clear, and I find it odd Exec Producer Princess Hoppy didn’t leave this one in the cutting room in light of her “did Kelly go to Columbia the country?” comment… Dr. Amador used to be a professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Columbia University… he finished a lot of school and then taught it. Bethenny dropped out of NYU to go be a prop girl on Saved by the Bell, to “star” in “Hollywood Hills 90028”, and to sleep with Kyle Richard’s ex-boyfriend—landing her the ultimate gig of driving Paris Hilton to school every day. I will say, B-town has lived life on “her own terms” and taken the road (perhaps) less travelled (in an all consuming attempt to be famous), but one part about that is that she and Dr. Amador did not “both went to NYU.” “Wenting to NYU” implies more than having been accepted to attend college out of boarding school (with your famous father) in the 1980s. It implies actually attending and graduating.
Back to the “plot” (if we can call this contrived Thanksgiving nonsense a “plot”)… Gina’s “resignation.” This reminds me of what I imagine working at the Nixon administration might have been like or Lehman Brothers… baby nurses typically stay with a family for a month or two, unless you are a spoiled obnoxious “Hollywood starlette” (cite Tori Spelling) who needs a baby nurse to do all of the hard work of having a baby so you can do “bathies” and shield the baby from the paparazzi you are in love with. After letting Gina into her life and onto her show too much, Gina has to go, and the discussion letting Max go did not go so well… “America” (if that is who watches this show) was not impressed with all-biz-no-heart-Beaster firing Max, so Gina needs a reason to leave a cushy job and a sweet place to sleep/ vacations at Montauk etc… and that reason is “undisclosed medical reasons.” Bethenny sheds EVEN MORE fake tears when Gina says NOTHING about why she must leave except that it is “medical” and she will need “surgery.” Let’s bolster this with a few interviews with the Beaster saying “Gina’s been going to the doctor a lot this month” and Hoppy volunteering to take Bryn so the carefully orchestrated Gina’s last night can go as they had all discussed and planned. I am sure Gina had a problem, and I hope she is okay—I did not buy one minute of this tearful good-bye… it has been long overdue and Bethenny, you’re still a horrible person. I love that as she is crying about Gina’s “medical problems” she says “you’re having surgery on Friday, but you’ll have to help us find someone to replace you! Who is going to take care of my baby??” Hahahaha, then Hoppy got in on the “preemie crocodile tears.” I hope they move in next door to Tori and Dean- didn’t this exact thing happen to Tori’s baby nurse? Seriously, I think she “had to leave Tori” to go have lap-band surgery. No joke.
Next, she tells her token (only?) gay BFF about how they plan to check out her old stomping grounds when they go to LA and that OF COURSE she plans to move there… “Malibu?” asks nameless gay BFF and Bethenny informs us “Beverly Hills, because I like to be central. I’m not going there for a beach party, I’m going there for work.” AGAIN, what the HELL DOES THAT MEAN????? You’re “job” sweetness, has been to write top ten lists of how to consume 500 calories of alcohol a day, be followed around by the Bravo film crew wearing small outfits saying rude/dated things about the Crypts and the Bloods or calling people drag queens, kiss Andy Cohen’s ass, “invent” a drink that Mexico invented and put an image of yourself on a bottle, and belittle everyone around you. How that MUST take place in LA or Beverly Hills, is truly beyond me. We are again reminded of her egomaniacal personality disorder when she tells us “she’s not worried about Bryn growing up to be a free California spirit because she is such a force she can counteract the laid-back-free-spirit-vibe of an entire state with her uptight obnoxious controlling personality.”
The Hoppies land at LAX and stroll Rodeo Drive. Jason would like us to believe he is above the “douche bag cars” and that he really loves the “hustle and bustle” of NYC. That man-whore had his bungalow on the beach picked out the night he dragged Bethenny out of her martini glass at that bar in the meat packing district. Faux funny/dated discussion about OJ and “self-deprecating joke” about Jason wanting to be the “first man to kill his wife” where they live ensues. Violence against women is funny. How has this show been this annoying and it has only been 11 minutes? She then takes a number of photos with “fans” up and down Rodeo Drive because JUST THAT MANY PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE THEIR PICTURE TAKEN WITH HER. It reminds me of when Tyra Banks likes to have people come up to last year’s winner of America’s Next Top Model to ask for an autograph on the current season to establish that winning her show makes you a star…
Veronica- the make-up artist/ sage is now the victim of Bethenny’s latest horrible Sex & the City pun, she is the “glammy.” They pull up in a black car to the back lot of her skating rehearsal. Good move Bethster- getting a more attractive person on your payroll/cast/family is a good idea for “the show.” VERY BORING skating rehearsal follows.
Next, she says that the “private plane” rubbed off on Jason (even though she is the one who can’t stop talking about it), who as we all knew he would, finds himself in a convertible looking at mansions in Beverly Hills. They find a “cute little house” which could not possibly cost less than $6 million, and we watch them ZANILY TRESSPASS. What I found interesting was their fake concern about getting caught. One of the first things I would ditch were I actually concerned about doing something illegal and drawing unwanted attention to myself (hahaha, no attention is unwanted for Mrs. Hoppy), would have been the CAMERA CREW who apparently did not have to hop a fence to continue following that ZANY TWOSOME! The “cute little house” “of course has a pool!”
Back at their hotel, we watch the Hoppies “parent” for 5 minutes and then leave their naked daughter with the “glammy” who describes her as “like a puppy.” They once again, need a “little night out to decompress.” Are there any other new parents out there who spend a) this much time without their baby? B) so much time saying they need a break? And c) GOING ON SO MANY DATES/TRIPS ALONE (and feeling totally justified each and every time)??? During their adult dinner, Bethenny – TO HER CREDIT—says she thinks Hoppy-I-need-my-parents won’t like living on the opposite coast from them and then makes the empty promise “if you won’t be happy, we won’t do it” (we all know she is going to do whatever she wants any way)— cue THE REAL JASON, who basically admits his wife is the cash cow of his dreams and he could get used to being a well-kept stay at home dad (remember how he used to say “but I have my own career?”) and he will probably leverage a condo in Santa Monica out of her for his parents’ to retire in! Well played Hoppy. What happened next confuses me because Jason says something like “don’t call me a mama’s boy” (you are) and Bethenny says “I never said that” (she did) and they both are mad that the other did exactly what they said they didn’t do. Hoppy then tries some psychological trick on his wife and says “I’ll just answer the questions the way you want me to next time”- since she’s paying the bills for your pool, your convertible, and your private plane- I think that’s a good move, Hoppy.
We are next treated to a replay of her SIGNATURE red sequined snooze-worthy performance on “Skating with the Stars.” I seriously thought they got Coach from Blades of Glory to choreograph this crap.
After receiving the scores she deserved, she asks Jason at brunch, “are people under the impression, I’m like training for the Olympics?” Hahaha, the only person under that impression this whole time, has been YOU BETHENNY! She is wondering why the professional skaters who are judging the show can’t give her comments like “nice outfit” and “nice ass.” I know those are the metrics by which the rest of your life is judged… but some people actually do things and are good at them and when they invite you to compete at a skill, they judge you on a tad bit more.
When she meets back up in small-town NJ, she tells Ethan she was TRAMATIZED by the stress of the serious competition, and he suggests/reminds her that this is really all for fun (as she had told the audience in LA).
We then spiral down the raw turkey disaster with the Bethster… there is blame to be assigned.. Julie didn’t check the oven, so it’s her fault. Bethenny didn’t do IT HERSELF, so OF COURSE it didn’t get done right, so it’s her fault… Jason stands by with his canned “I’m a good guy” lines like “we have a lot to be thankful for, so let’s just calm down.” Dr. Amador tells Bethenny that “the turkey was raw” was a story that was repeated across 3 million homes in America… I wonder why 3 million other people don’t have a TV show? We close out by learning that Bethenny is too hard on herself and demands too much perfection and again with the executive decision to end on the positive– a raw turkey when you are blessed with SO much isn’t SUCH a big dealJ Could.they.be.any.more.loveable.eccentric.and.fun???
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Gretchen Is Annoying
Oh how the mighty have fallen. In this episode we get the first mention of those pesky Alexis Bellino foreclosure rumors, the first acknowledgment from Slade that he’s down and out in Coto de Caza., and more dashboard symbols lighting up to signal that Vicki’s love tank is running on empty.
We begin at Tamra’s new Pied e Terre that Vicki says has good energy and is apparently a bridge walk away from Simon’s house. That’s good…I guess? Vicki casually mentions that Tamra should settle her divorce in mediation and avoid all those attorneys’ fees. It’s almost like Vicki’s looked into this and maybe even ran a quick cost/benefit analysis. It’s like she’s researched the cheapest and quickest way to divorce and I still cant for the life of me figure out why. Vicki is going to be out of town for the next month because you know she’s such a career women without a free minute to engage in any of the trivial or banal parts of life….except apparently she’s going to be in Chicago all month for two different high school reunions. Who goes to their high school reunion? I don’t even go to my high school reunions and well, look how much time I have. Who has that kind of time and more importantly that kind of desire to relive high school? I know some people like to see how old friends are doing but It’s my understanding that facebook allows you to connect with people from years past and if facebook is ineffective in that capacity you can bet your bottom dollar Simon Van Kempen is in a Brooklyn basement creating the new social media that will accommodate such desires. And Vicki, of course, is going to these reunions sans Don.
What the women really want to talk about, beyond their failed marriages and pesky children is Alexis. I mean, this is the kind of drama that keeps the Bravo checks coming, right? Tamra pulls out a zebra print bedazzled I-phone and shows Vicki the bitchy texts from Alexis post botox party in which Alexis scolded Tamra for bringing mace to her party. Alexis is kind of annoying and lame here for taking Tamra’s very unfunny “joke” involving mace as some sort of violent threat and it’s lame that she scolded her but let’s just say Tamra and Vicki hit back HARD. Disproportionately hard and they even managed to casually throw around the word retard as an insult. Vicki tells Tamra that she just read Alexis’ home is in foreclosure and Tamra starts to look like Eddie in men’s locker room: she can barely suppress her delight. Then they point out that Alexis doesn’t work (we all know how Vicki feels about work, right? NO? Don’t worry she tells us about 50 times more in just this episode alone) Madame Gunvulson does make a few valid but still flawed points however; first she says that Alexis is just starting drama for no reason. That’s kind of right except that the reason is starting drama is what keeps her on this show, and her home is in foreclosure! Mama needs a drink and a paycheck. It’s a very volatile time right now for Alexis and she doesn’t want to end up the housewife who loses all of her money and is exposed as a fraud and then doesn’t even get invited back next season. (see Lynn Curtain, Danielle Staub) Second, Vicki says Alexis does nothing but work out and look in the mirror all day. That’s very true except don’t forget about the hour drive to the Tijuana seamstress and the fifteen minutes she explains to that seamstress how she wants “her” dress line to look. Also ******DING DING DING we have our first use of the phrase “in this economy” so far this season. Vicki said “everyone go to work and we will all get through in this economy” I will be vigilantly keeping track of when these housewives in each city use this phrase. Why do I care? Because it’s housewife code for something and I haven’t deciphered their code yet. The economy is a broad term that really is better employed to explain the price of wheat for example but these housewives seem to think that taking out a 1 million dollar loan for a house that costs 1.3 million and than being surprised when the bank won’t except winks or boat loads of “charm” or corporate buzz words (aka I’m an internet entrepreneur, developer, etc. and right now I’m down sizing or restructuring) as payment. Or when the child support enforcement magistrate doesn’t have faith that this bravo reality show is going to turn into a high paying career in Hollywood and tells you to find real work to support your children (Slade Smiley I’m looking at you). Yeah, None of this is “the economy” in reality but I sincerely believe they think it is….either that or it’s code for something like “I can’t admit I was living above my means” or “I can’t admit I’m a complete fraud because I’m on TV and fear legal consequences” or “I’m too stupid to know that I can’t blame the economy or the President or the Federal Reserve for the fact that I can’t afford a Bentley but I really, really want one”
She By Sheree "in this economy"
Moving on, This episode featured a lot of Slade and Gretchen, which means I alternated between being bored to tears and wanting to jam a pencil in my eye. Everything they do is fake and completely annoying. I can’t figure out even if Slade really is offended by Gretchen’s obnoxious “tubbawubba” incessant mocking. Let’s assume for the sake of this recap he is, but I want it noted, I don’t believe anything that these two say or do.
Ok, first of all the tone of Gretchen’s voice makes me want to puke. Maybe she can’t help that, I don’t know. What I do know is the way she says the word “tubbawubba” is obnoxious itself, never mind what she means when she’s saying it. Remember a year or so ago when Gretchen sold her exclusive story to some tabloid about how she struggled with body image issues and bulimia in college? Well apparently she’s completely cured now and that psychology degree she used to frequently remind us she has taught her that non stop nagging, and using childish putdowns is the most effective way to motivate a loved one to get healthy again. So in this episode Gretchen whined incessantly about how her dogs, that she shares with her lazy ex husband (remember she divorced him because she “worked (her) butt off to make a lot of money and he didn’t” ….I guess tricking with some old dude counts as work, and it just may be the hardest kind of work for all I know) are fat, and Slade is fat and all the men in her life are fat….and she hates it! She is wearing a black, way too small t-shirt, that says “Gretchen Christine Beaute” (again, if it worked for Bethenny….) and I’m wondering how long it is before she “launches” Gretchen Christine bootay, her “line” of work out DVDs and diet advice.
Next we find Vicki taking time out of that jam-packed work schedule to meet Don at a spa. Vicki is dismissive of Don per usual. I think we all know the end is near. During her massage Vicki won’t even let the massage therapist live without knowing how hard she works and that she has 12 employees and 600 agents and she’s so stressed etc. What does that mean by the way? I know her 12 employees are all a little over 12 years old so I’m assuming she’s not indirectly responsible for their being able to pay their mortgages, feed their families etc. but what does the 600 agents thing mean. Does that mean the people who got their insurance selling license through Vicki’s website aka the Warden School of Orange County. I’m seriously confused about what that means; specifically what is her relationship to those 600 agents and how is she responsible for them and how are they accountable to her.
One of tonight’s finest scenes involved the Tanuous’ and the fake Rossi/Smiley couple going to dinner. Again, Gretchen asks Peggy what the secret to a happy marriage is and again in her talking head she confirms to all of America that she is a prostitute…..maybe that’s why she’s perplexed my marriage. It was either Shakespeare or Snoop Dogg who once said “you can’t make a ho a housewife.” So as Peggy is showing off her jewelry, Slade appears uncomfortable. Peggy explains to us that it’s probably because Micah is so handsome and successful at such a young age and men get their sense of self worth based on how they’re doing financially. The problem with that is 1. Micah apparently is not that successful (in this economy) and 2) not all men derive their sense of self worth from being able to buy tacky jewelry –that they really can’t afford- for their greedy, vapid wives. And 3. No matter how successful he is or isn’t, Micah is increasingly looking like a butch lesbian to me, and if that’s handsome then so be it. But what makes this scene so poignant to the long time viewers, like myself, is that we get a flash back of a younger, trimmer, goggled Slade Smiley working out and “frosting” his previous nagging, vapid trampy girlfriend with jewelry we now know he couldn’t afford even then and we hear Slade explain that he had everything but lost it. How he lost it (leaving his job to go to LA to manage whiny, nagging, vapid, trampy girlfriend’s music career-can’t even type that without laughing) is not really explained. In fact, it seems Slade too was humbled by the “in this economy” Gods and he has no choice but to reassess his life and recognize that success can be fleeting because after all, it’s not like he had a part in his own financial ruin-it was “in this economy’s” fault so the only thing he can do is absolutely nothing different. He can’t take a job unless it pays what he thinks he’s worth because (his child support amount would still be the same?) the industries dead and he has no other job skills? Hey Slade, pick up a hammer, do something! You know, just in case Gretchen Christine doesn’t revolutionize the beauty/fashion industries and take you straight back to the top.
More scenes of Vicki and Don falling so far out of love they can barely stand each other and more scenes Gretchen calling her dogs and pretend boyfriend fat…actually “tubbawubba” holy fuck that’s just beyond annoying. Even more annoying is her screeching at her dogs to run and her cracking herself up by saying/screeching “drop and give me twenty buddy” because drill sergeants say “buddy”. Slade gets upset about it, eventually. He tells us he doesn’t have time to work out and look the way he used too. Doesn’t have time? Come one Slade, you almost had my sympathy for a minute tonight. You could have said ANYTHING else or nothing at all but to say that you don’t have time? You have more time to work out than guys doing 20 to life. If you don’t have time then what do you have? Anyway, maybe they pretend to actually fight, maybe they actually fight but either way Slade runs home and Gretchen and her freshly dyed blond hair hop into her 80K range rover and drive. How does Gretchen afford any of this? Seriously. In this economy must be very good to her.
In the final scene, Tamra visits Alexis in her new rented home and gets the grand tour which includes a peek into her bedroom closet (do casual friends typically do that?) and a framed beefcake picture of Jim Bellino. I told you he’s hot, he knows it. I can’t hate it. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. Tamra straight up asks Alexis what’s going on with the foreclosure rumors and Alexis is visibly and audibly annoyed. She snaps back “do you know the difference between a loan modification and foreclosure” (Tamra-“yes) Alexis “well the papers don’t”. Regardless of whatever difference Alexis is hanging her large brim sun hat on, both indicate financial struggles so I wouldn’t brag about getting your loan modified as if you’re superior to all those poor people who fell for sub prime mortgage loans.
The two “ladies” sit down to discuss the Mace affair and well, frankly I think they both are really overacting in this scene and are sort of hamming it up for the cameras.
That was this week. Next week features the return of everyone’s favorite passive-aggressive, insecure housewife (no not Alex McCord) Jeanna Keough!
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So many favorite moments this episode… Slade telling us he is “too busy” to workout, Micah’s dinner chat about deadbeat parents, Tamra declaring herself “a very loyal person” while stabbing everyone in knife’s reach in the back, Gretchen continuing to pretend she and Slade are in a relationship, Vicky pretending to be in her 40s… where to begin? How about with Tamra in her “little cute Tamra kitchen” wearing an outfit she stole off the abandoned set of the Golden Girls making a cup of coffee with her best Golden Girl, the Vickster. Vicky, who always seems to be the NeNe beast of this cast, dwarfs Tamra even more as Tamra is not wearing her street walker heels and it makes us feel like we are in the home of a hobbit, which is kind of true, because I am assuming good old entrepreneurial Ryan still lives with mommy-kins.
Vicky has brought Tamra a “house warming” present… a giant cross. Tamra has brought Vicky a present from Spain… rosary beads… later they have a good Christian laugh about “Jesus Barbie,” call her a “re-tard,” and then accuse her of being all “pamper pamper pamper!” while they plot out ways to alienate everyone who ever loved or even liked them, but for now, it is back to Tamra’s latest obsession… Simon. It’s a shame Tamra Barney (who won’t change her name?) wasn’t this obsessed with Simon when they were together. She spends more time talking about how insane and jealous he is of her new “free bitch” (read: I’m-making-a-fool-out-of-myself-on-TV-with-a-new-gay-boyfriend) lifestyle, than I am guessing he spends thinking about her while happily getting over it with a new girlfriend and his children off of reality television. The fact that Simon DARED to come be civil to Tamra’s mother (who we all remember was the witch with a face lift –no, not Alexis’s mother—the other one—who said “don’t leave him! You need someplace to live!” – from last season) so he could spend time with his children while she was trying to lure Eddie into Spanish hot tubs, was “unbelievable.” I am no fan of Simon’s, but he is making a Bensimone-style comeback in the Race Against Crazy.
Vicky, who is more of the “I take the man I married for granted, because he moved my biological daughter (not his) into her new apartment and set all of her furniture up and hooked up her cable while I was at my strip mall giving lectures to my ten 18-year-old employees about “interest” and “savings” and other complex concepts, while passing around a basket of muffins” variety, is SICKENED by Simon’s actions. I hope Vicky is going to be very happy with her new duplex and young, gay, less attractive boyfriend she plans to get to match Tam-tam’s! For the last few seconds of this scene, we learn that Vicky is going to YET ANOTHER high school reunion in Chicago and then.. the day after a “multi-year reunion.” A few questions: 1) Didn’t she go to her high school reunion two years ago with Jeana? 2) What is a “multi-year reunion?” 3) Which one of the Don look-alikes that we met the last few times she attended her “high school reunion” do you think she is trying to HOOK-UP WITH?? Because of course, Don is not going… she is going alone… she throws in a “for work” or something else so she seems (or so she thinks) less awful and adds Don is going “to the river… he loves the river with or without me.” Me too Don. I pick river over a trip I wasn’t invited on every time too.
Next, we are right there in the middle of the cosmetics industry giant—Gretchen Christine Beaute’s— inventory check. It appeared to be GC herself in juicy sweat-pant knock-offs from VS on the floor of her Marshalls décor living room with plastic bags filled with eye-shadow. Make no mistake, I felt almost the same tingling sensation I felt at the bottling plant in Montreal where they were cranking out stevia margaritas… this was a “girl” (Gretchen is not nearly as old as Bethenny (but then again, only Kris Jenner really is)—but far too old for the faux Juicys) living a dream… a titan of industry, like Estee Lauder, making it in a man’s world. She takes a break from running her business to tell us that “the men in her life” are “fat-tards.” I would like to take a moment to ask when it became so acceptable to claim descriptions of actual disabilities and use them to make insulting puns? This is third time this episode and I wish they would stop. But I wish they would stop this show altogether and the karma police we were promised by Radiohead would show up and make all of these people get actual jobs… and no Tammy, I do not mean tagging along behind your other gay bestie on short-sale listings in a tight dress. Back to Gretchen—her “theme” for this episode is that Rocco and Vito and Slade are “fat” and it “pisses her off.” She screams in exasperation (and this is a real quote) “Why is all you guys fat?” and then says that Slade needs a “taste of his own juice.” Marinate in that thought for a moment. I don’t know if she thinks acting like an idiot who can’t put words together in cogent thoughts is endearing, but I am starting to believe it is only partially an act. I think my favorite part of this scene was the flashback to Season one of a begoggled Slade doing pilates on the carpet of his Coto home telling the audience people on the streets of Coto think he is a “borderline movie star.” He is a borderline something.
Continue reading ‘If You Can’t Argue With Stupid… What Have I Been Watching?’
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Remember all the way back to last season when Sonja Morgan seemed wonderfully aloof and kind of above all the nonsense? Yeah, that’s over. In this episode Sonja proved she can be just as crazy as the rest (Bensimon excluded) and lucky for me she is just the kind of crazy I love to see from my housewives: egotistical and delusional! Let’s start from the beginning.
We begin over at Sonja’s upper east side/next to parking garage townhouse where the “ladies” are gathering and getting ready in their wedding dresses for the big marriage equality march…at least I think that’s why they were marching. I mean they said things like “equality” and “NY loves our gays” like ten thousand times and Alex even led a weak chant of “what do we want? Marriage equality. When do we want it? Now” but truthfully both Sonja and Alex/Simon severely overestimated the importance of their individual involvement in this march.
* I get the sense that in recent years, a lot of people have found themselves liking Alex. To that I say the following: re-watch any random 15 minutes of the first season and don’t even try to claim that Bravo edited her that way. Steven Spielberg isn’t gifted enough as a storyteller to create that big of a pretentious wannabe, ridiculous character. If anything, during these last few pro-Bethenny seasons, Bravo edited Alex to seem better. EVERYONE on this show is crazy and everyone has moments of seeming like the sane one. Need proof: how many times did Kelly Satchels of Gold Bensimon appear to be the voice of reason in this episode? Scary, no?
Anyway, tension is in the air the minute Alex walks in and “thanks” everyone for coming. Sonja immediately senses that Alex is pissing on her parade, marking her territory and
Sonja replies “No I was going to just Thank you for coming. I’m the grand marshal”…think of Sonja saying, “I’m the grand Marshall” as the chorus of like a crap song by Shania twain or someone. You know how those songs had like 2-second verses and then right away back to the chorus? That was pretty much how it went. Alex would say something about how this was about “a cause, not a person” or “today is about marriage equality” and Sonja would fire back “today’s about me” or “I’m the grand Marshall.” Now apparently Sonja was “chosen” (read: demanded an ‘exclusive’— not her ‘group’) to be the grand Marshall because, according to Sonja, she is “a gay icon”. Wow. Ok, it’s finally official; the term ‘gay icon’ has no meaning. If Judy Garland is described as a gay icon, I will stare blankly in response.
So the big fight occurred down by city hall because apparently when Cher, I mean that other gay icon, Sonja Morgan, agreed to be the grand Marshall she insisted that no other housewife be aloud to speak at the event. Clearly Sonja wanted to believe she had been asked to speak because she is a gay icon and not because her presence would bring Bravo’s cameras and be filmed for a popular, reality TV show. Brava Sonja, because life is what you make it, and if in fact the organizers didn’t want you for your “light, funny, gay icon personality” then make like they did anyway. The problem, however, is that Alex was also either asked to speak or was told she could speak. Since Alex found her voice however, it has only been used to bash Jill Zarin so when it came time to make the actual speech, Alex and Simon decided Simon should make it. Simon met the brides down at city hall wearing….wait for it…a sequined, rainbow colored, way too small tuxedo jacket. Now I know that for Simon, the man who wears red leather pants and decorated his living room, err sorry paaahrlore like a Mexican bordello (I don’t know what that means) this sartorial choice doesn’t seem like such a big deal but believe me, it was awful. In fact, David Arquette on Watch What Happens Live said it was in bad taste. DAVID ARQUETTE. So Simon becomes livid when he finds out that Sonja has stopped him from making his speech and Alex and Simon make it seem like the gays and the cause are the real losers here which causes me to wonder, what is it he needs to say? Or what is it he had to say about this topic that he feels we NEED to hear? Does Simon have the magic words that will not only preach to the choir but also convert the non-believers? Would Simon’s words wake the ghost of Jerry Falwell and have him apologizing to Ellen Degeneres and that Gay teletubbie he outed? Would the Christian Right all the sudden hear Simon and say to themselves “let’s stop putting so much time and money into fighting gay equal rights, we should be preaching love and tolerance of everyone!”
You know whose speech was terrible, by the way? Sonja. I could watch this part over and over again and laugh every time. I know how hard Sonja is trying to be a real life Samantha Jones but here’s the thing Sonja, Samantha Jones didn’t exist in real life and had she, well she’d be a woman of ill repute to say the least. So Sonja steps up to the mike and says something to the effect of “Finally I get to say something that’s been on my mind. (Applause) Love. (blank stares, uncomfortable looks, stifled laughter) Sonja clearly didn’t know what the hell she was talking about or how to communicate period. It’s almost as if she was a waitress from upstate NY who married a way older wealthy man instead of the former model, society woman from New York City that we know she is because she tells us so….hmmm. Maybe, in their hour of need, the gays did need Simon Van Kempen.
Lucky for us we do get to hear Simon’s speech because after the march the gang heads over to Alex’s Flatbush Manor for some Gay Tea and Sympathy. Alex states loudly that she wants to hear Simon’s speech because he wasn’t able to speak before (do you feel bad yet Sonja?) and Simon is more than happy to oblige. Simon says something to the effect of the following: “After 3 weeks in this country I met and fell in love with an Alex (laughter and Kelly saying “an” Alex?) Simon continues explaining that using that article was essential because the real oomph of his speech, if you will, turns on the ambiguous gender of the name Alex. “yes, an Alex and her name was Alexadra Thank God because had it been Alexander I would not have gotten a fiancé green card, or citizenship etc.” Now, not for nothing Simon, but I think your speech misses the point too. I kept waiting for you to say “if Alex were a he than I couldn’t have stayed in this country with the person I love (apparently they fell in love in 3 weeks)” because just to play devil’s advocate, a lot of people don’t like the idea of foreigners getting fiancé green cards after three weeks and marrying to obtain citizenship. The last thing “the cause” needs is some idiotic politician frightening up his base with the proposition that gay marriage would mean Gay illegal aliens getting citizenship and taking away jobs that straight Americans want and need.
Also in this episode, Ramona has bought a table at some Gucci fundraiser for Africa. I love these things. People like Ramona will pay probably about 25K to be in the presence of Gucci and Gucci than gives those stupid peoples’ money to a worthy charity. If you have 25K completely disposable and discretionary, God forbid you just give it to Africa or any other charity directly right? Nope, you need to believe you’re special because you are at an event with “Mr. Gucci”. Congrats Ramona. I’ve never been so impressed in my entire life. At this event Ramona hears both Alex and Sonja’s side of the story and well…they both sound crazy.
Lastly, Sonja-who is just not having a good episode at all—has commissioned a painting of herself-from her maybe boyfriendish artist to the hedge fund stars, Brian. When she originally saw the painting as a work in progress, I thought she looked ok but she thought she looked 80 years old. He’s a painter not a surgeon, c’mon Sonja you’re complaining to the wrong guy. Anyway, she has a party at her home for the unveiling of her painting and to “support” Brian. (note how many times these broads show up at some swanky event under the guise that they are “supporting” a friend) Well this is where the crazy shit hits the fan. Round one: Sonja tells Alex that she likes her and just felt that Simon was hulking behind her and it made her uncomfortable right before she was set to speak. Alex does not take this too kindly and starts freaking out about how Sonja hijacked the event and she should check the website because it confirms she was supposed to speak (hey Alex, I can have this website confirm that, if you’d like?) Sonja, who is incapable of communicating anything other than “love.” Fires back with “you have the worst manners!” and “get out of my house!” This goes on for what felt like a really long time until the countess and Kelly show up and Alex leaves. The final shot we see is of Alex in her S&M dress that the countess says was grounds for being kicked out by itself, hailing a cab all by herself back to Brooklyn. PS countess, you should have been kicked out of civilization for the past 3 seasons.
On a serious note, a serious cause was not given the attention it deserves on tonight’s episode because of some petty bullshit. I would therefore like to redress this wrong and organize a march across the Brooklyn Bridge. A March for Speech Equality aka the Let Simon Speak March. Please meet up at Sonja’s wearing your sequined, rainbow bolero jackets and let’s not let “marriage equality” or Sonja hijack it this time.
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As Bethenny Ever After continues to fill the gaping void left by Sex & the City (please do not let there be another movie) for young American women to watch old, inappropriately dressed women drink a lot , act “sexy” (?- no straight men like either show), and make the most of the pun filled word banks of the 1990s, Beffs takes it a step further with last night’s episode when she cries at the plant where they actually make (no, Bethenny, production wasn’t slow because everyone was just “sitting around not wanting to make money” as you had assumed…. Not everyone’s idea of “work” includes putting on a pair of tight jeans, hooker boots, and eight different short leather jackets and hoofing it down to South Street Seaport to hawk Pepperidge Farm sandwiches…. To you, we get it, it’s either get dressed up and shove products at people, or hang out in your sweat pants… there is no actual “working”) Skinnygirl margaritas in all of their frothy glass glory (has anyone actually tried this trash? I would but then I would have to buy it and I don’t like my dollars to vote for Bethster. I am guessing it is disgusting and the poor fools who just bought that brand are going to have to revamp the recipe (i.e. tequila, a lime, and 2 packets of stevia)). This was an episode of contradictions (self-pity and self-aggrandizement; all my life I’ve wanted a snow globe(?)) and of course, more husband belittling, money-grubbing, fame-whoring and thigh high boots with 6 inch heels! Who else wants a Pom-opolitan!!!??? Boo-Ya! Let’s watch as the Susan B. Anthony of liquor forges a path through a harsh man’s world.
Cue, Bravo’s new funky bass lines which I am totally loving both here and with the other un-spun housewives.- Bethenny makes a stupid “joke” about how “they don’t call it a life spiral” (I bet Darren Star watches this show and when he heard that line – he leaned back in an oversized high-backed armchair upholstered in endangered species and “L.O.L.”ed at that one!) She then says that her real skater partner must smoke pot because he is “calm” and tells her to “just do things.” Poor broken down “underdog” Bethenny then takes a few more cheap shots at a small town (who the hell does she think watches day time talk shows?) saying that the entire town, with eyes glazed over by the celebrity that is Bethenny Frankel in their midst, is pulling for them “more than cotton candy and hairspray.”
Next is the part of the show where Bethenny emasculates her already effeminate husband. She calls him cheap and tells him he needs to get rid of his Billy Bob Jimbob Red Racoon Jeans. If I were her, I would congratulate myself just now for coming up with a new product to market to “redneck people somewhere” and then throw myself a party for coming up with that “business plan.”
She talks to the Scoop boy, about how neurotic and cheap her husband is. She discusses how he has no style and he’s cheap and he can’t dress himself, and this is like back-to-school shopping all to Scoop boy and a camera crew as if her husband is not there. She then hits him with a “Why are you so cheap? You’re like your father!” Insulting to both her husband AND his fatherJ We are then treated to a shot of her ass crack while she jumps on Mr. Hoppy because he bought himself a $245 pair of jeans and says gleefully “now the paparazzi will get to see you in your new jeans- not your eighties jeans”… AND we now understand what this trip was all about.
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Ah, the first ladies of Bravo, the series that launched the franchise… the faux ladies of Orange County. I miss Jo De La Rosa!! And yet, we begin with Grandma Gunvalson. Did you guys know that Vicky “works?” We see a montage of her family members (except Michael, who has the honored distinction of being both work and blood ‘family’—I’ll let you guess which ranks higher in Vicky-town) complaining that she is never home and she is always at work. If I married this woman or if she was my mother, and she wanted to be gone all of the time … “working” (aka buying golf shirts with the logo “Coto Insurance” on them) I would encourage this habit. I would never want this woman around. Brianna and Don, as I have long suspected, appear to be decent people, way better than me, so the idea of Mama Martyr sitting in her strip mall office with her fake plants all week to pay for the fake boulders and waterfalls around the pool I would be lounging around (think vintage Michael) all day, does not appeal to them. They, for reasons I will never understand, want to go on a boat ride with this woman… a boat where you can’t walk away… a boat so small you have to listen to her talk… so they do what anyone would do in that situation. They drink a lot.
While she is talking about why hobbies and interests, like fishing or listening when other people talk, are stupid, Vicky’s whole family gets too drunk (does she watch herself on this show? Has she seen herself slur her way through her high school reunion and hit on every.single.man.that.is.not.don in the cities of Seattle, Chicago, and Cabo?) for her taste. She makes some inane comment about how a boat with the title “Victoria” needs to be hers, because her name is on it. It’s a good thing the world doesn’t run on this logic, because if it did I would have to name my next kid “Coto Insurance” and repossess her bougetto (thank you, Kandi) office. Don (as usual) rightly makes some inaudible comment in response to Vicky’s stupid, and she gets ANGRY. She declares her work family her true family and explains that she is so much happier at work because people there respect her (cue scene where she gives acne scarred kid $20 for cutting up bagels for their meeting and then scene where she actually SPANKS her employee… I may have to set up Coto Employment Law on the other side of the highway).
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onlyfifteenminutes 
Comment Of The Week
This is a new feature we are starting. We are getting an awful lot of traffic based on people searching for things like “I Hate Bethenny” so we are having a blast. In this process we are starting to get some awesome comments. We have enjoyed this one the most so far. The funniest comment every week will be featured in “comment of the week”- thank you all for reading!
“If you make such an effort to hate something as simple as a TV show, then why do you waste your precious time watching it??? Get. A. Life. How can anybody take your blog seriously when all you do is spit out totally exaggerated claims? Better stop watching before you have a self-induced heart attack.”
Duly noted! Your comment has been taken under advisement.
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